Rated PG-13 for crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying, 80 minutes
"Vampires Suck" and so does the movie
I can sum up the dreadful new comedic "Twilight" spoof "Vampires Suck" in two words: don't bother. Overwhelmingly witless, asinine and really just a big bore, this ripoff is from the filmmaking team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, responsible for other spoofs "Meet the Spartans," "Disaster Movie," "Date Movie" and more. That right there should tell you that the movie will suck big time, but those curiously seeking how they send up the "Twilight" films should make it a modest hit in at least its first week.
Teenager Becca (Jenn Proske) finds herself torn between two boys. New to the Sporks, Washington high school, she is befriended by the pale, mysterious vampire Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter). Their relationship comes to a head of sorts, and she falls into the arms of her childhood companion Jacob White (Chris Riggi), who has grown into a muscular werewolf. The three literally wrestle with life, love and prom and Becca is forced to choose between the two.
If you've seen the other Friedberg/Seltzer productions, you know exactly what to expect: painfully laugh-free, sucky productions with terrible young unknowns actors taking this far too seriously. With that in mind, one thing you can also expect with "Vampires Suck" is that will be on every critics list of worst films at year end. There are a couple of familiar faces: decent comic actors Deidrich Bader (ye of "The Drew Carey Show" and more) and Ken Jeong ("Role Models"), though their performances are clearly twinged with a "take the money and run" type of urgency.
The "Twilight" films seem to be an easy target for something like this - maybe too easy - and it will only serve to generate more interest in those films than in this one. Friedberg/Seltzer do have a way of ripping off other movies to the point of "how do they do that" in terms of cast and props, and the highlight this time is seeing newcomer Proske do a remarkably accurate imitation of "Twilight" actress Kristen Stewart. Everyone and just about everything else is a throwaway or sight gag so brief you won't really get if you haven't seen those earlier films.
"Vampires Suck" isn't memorable really in any other way except that lots of heads roll and the young girls on each side of the Team Jacob-Team Edward fence seem to be very, very energetic. I can't recall through any of the painful 80 minutes of this so-called parody that I laughed at all, and I don't believe you will, either. Unless you really want to inflict pain on yourself, I'd wait until it comes out on DVD; as a side note, somehow it leaked online, to the tune of about 100,000 downloads, but even that would be a waste. Stay far, far away.